It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I gave all my love, even though I wasn’t loved in return. I coped with unhealthy relationships and suffered heartache most of my life. Each time I was broken, I built myself back together. And the same person managed to find a way back into my heart and tear me apart again. I reached out to support groups and have been advised, many times, to leave a toxic relationship. But I wasn’t ready to leave because I wasn’t done. I needed closure.
Gradually, I lost myself in the process of thinking that staying meant not giving up.
I’ve broken so many promises to myself to end destructive patterns. I’ve been vulnerable, forgiving, trusting and honest to many people, most of whom could not be trusted. My heart could be too soft and sad, but not bitter.
No matter what, I couldn’t give up on love.
I enjoyed being selfless without realizing I was losing myself in the process. It was so hard to let go.
Regardless of my efforts resisting manipulation or emotional blackmail, I found myself giving into the same person again and again. I cried, many times, because I didn’t want to be the one who had to make the very painful decision to cut ties. It felt agonizing to let go of someone I shared most of my life with. If only he could have been willing to meet me a quarter of the way with my undying efforts to make a relationship work.
I thought I was healing, but the reality was, I coped with hurt and I adjusted to mistreatment instead of truly letting go.
When he came back to me after every long cycle of silent treatment, I opened my arms and felt like a fool. I felt like a piece of furniture, like I was there to use and leave, to leave and take back. I changed for him and I was wrong to hope he could change too. I was wrong to ignore my better judgment.
How could I leave someone I left myself for?
My strong intuition sensed when another storm was going to happen. I felt numb, not broken. I was taken under his arm, fell for his charm, stepped on and poisoned. Whenever I drifted away from him, he gradually found a way to say or do what he knew I starved for. It was as though he gift-wrapped me for himself, just to tear me apart again. It was as though he felt better watching me express the pain he inflicted on me.
I think that my tears carried away the weight he placed on my heart.
It was almost as if I was delusional. I felt like a soul full of life that lived as if she had no soul. My heart was open but broken. I masked my dark reality with pretty, thick, colourful paintings of peace and positivity for quite some time. If I could have done anything else to stay where I was, I would have done it because I didn’t want to give up on miracles. It was almost as if I was delusional.
But blessings in disguise happen whether we like it or not. And I had questions that only time answered.
Overall, I learned that I neglected myself and my well being was in danger, but it wasn’t too late to save myself. I cannot shake feeling like a fool because I continue to be selfless and attend to others needs more than my own. But I’m working on being more mindful in order to be at peace. I’m working on letting go.
Instead of thinking, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I remember that I have to move on.
Instead of feeling like a fool, I need to remember that I’m a survivor. I’m loving and strong.
Featured Image Credit: TONL